Improve your life … Smash your Electronic Gizmos April 27, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Computers , 3commentsComputers allow us to perform tasks we never have needed to be done faster than we never needed them doing before.
Marketing tells us that PDA’s, Laptops, Cellphones, MP3 players are all making our lives more fun and efficient but deep down I suspect somebody somewhere is having a good laugh at our techo-misfortunes. Life has never been so damn difficult with them all.
Cellphones have instilled in us this feeling that we need to be in constant touch with people 24-hours a day. We no longer appreciate the convenience of this and we get angry when friend dare to switch them off when want to speak with them at two o’ clock in the morning.
MP3′s, cellphones and digital cameras work great until their battery runs out and are unusable until the user can rush to the comfort of their plug-socket and sort it all out again. They require individual power cables which are too cumbersome to take out with you and paradoxically the appliances are also designed so small these days that you can lose all of them from the convenience of just one pocket.
The internet is so damn saturated with information that it takes hours to actually find what you actually want and the internet is my life and my business!
Today I have given up on a task which should be so simple I’d have assumed would take only a few minutes. I have been trying to get a pre-paid mobile phone SIM card delivered to a hotel in Glasgow so that Tik will receive it when she arrives there on Saturday.
My first Aikido Lesson April 24, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Health & Sport , add a commentToday I participated in my first Aikido class.
Since I was young I’ve dabbled in many martial arts; Judo for a couple of years although the small school never really got the students graded and I ended up with just two red notches on my white belt.
I got a little bored of Judo purely because all my friends were learning to punch and kick so I joined up for Ju-Jitsu getting to the similarly pathetic yellow belt before realizing that if I could get a yellow belt then the grading system was obviously based on paying the school enough money and certainly not on the development of any true skills.
Barry Price recently reminded me about my personal and somewhat unique martial art party-trick back in my good old Birkdale High School days. The idea was to break out of headlocks by just dribbling all over my attacker. Whilst probably not the most practical technique in a street brawl I do belive it was effective in niche situations.
During university I got interested in Taekwondo and studied it quite intensively for 18 months. Foolishly I paired up with the most pathetic old man there rather than searching out a mentor and, predictably didn’t get very far.
After graduating from university I did actually plan to go to live in Korea so that I could take my Taekwondo seriously until discovering Muay Thai (Thai Boxing) which I practiced almost daily for 6 months when I arrived in Bangkok.
Muay Thai was the only martial art I’ve studied which, even 2 years after my last class I could probably use effectively and I am still impressed that after all this time, my shins are still in a pretty tough condition. I guess the judo skills of break-falling might also be a lifeskill I’ve acquired as well.
So … why Aikido?
Barry’s visit to Bangkok in 2004 is back Online April 21, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Thailand , add a commentHaving had some major updates to his excellent blog site, my good friend Barry Price has re-published his comprehensive diary about when he came to visit me in Bangkok during March 2004.
Barry’s intelligent prose, odorous humour and his siamese-twin-like attachment to me for nearly 2 weeks means that readers can experience a fortnight of my life without me having to write anything.
Barry’s diary covers nearly everything. There’s a few incidents which he has presumably cut from his brain. I guess it takes anybody but Barry to appreciate the look of sheer terror and disgust on his face when a Nana Plaza go-go girl tried to impress him by dropping her panties to the floor and grinning like a child who’s just realized the humour in saying ‘poo-poo’ to everything.
Barry mysteriously has forgotton how being heckled by bar girls as we walk around Sukumvit I am addressed as a ‘handsome man’ whereas he is regarded merely as a ‘young boy’. Considering Barry superlatises me in height, weight, girth and age I was quite flattered to be mistaken as the older man of the pair.
I’ve had a number of friends come to visit me but I’d say that Barry’s visit in 2004 was one of the best times I’ve had out here. What topped the enjoyment for me above much else was the fact that Barry and I had lived quite separate lives for the last 9 years or so. Rekindling a friendship after all that time, learning all the gossip, reliving the good old days and mocking his bowling-pin physique was presumably a reason why Barry returned 12 months later to visit me again.
Barry has just told me that he’s soon to update his site with his diary for his Thailand 2005 trip which was last February. I’m looking forward to that.
You can read Barry’s Thailand Diary 2004 Here.
Are man-boobs REALLY that interesting? April 21, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Computers , add a commentI took a peek at my web statistics today and found that the 2nd most popular search word for my site is ‘man boobs’. This phrase relates to an article last week about me getting fat.
It’s made me wonder just what kind of people I’m attracting and whether possibly I should model a new business opportunity around the man-boob curious market.
I’ve had a search for ‘Rohypnol in Bangkok’ and there’s a few searches for ‘Horny’.
It seems that for every web entry which contains some bizzare phrase or topic, it is likely that somebody somewhere will be searching for it.
Purely for my own amusement I tested a theory a few months ago whereby as long as my page is being spidered and as long as I include some improbably rare phrase in it, I could get to the top of google’s search results. Creative marketers now are doing this purely so they can claim they are ” the number one leading [profession] according to top search engines”.
By deliberately entering “Worlds most passionate lover” into todays blog it is likely that within a few weeks I’ll legitimately be able to say that I (Martin Pavion) am the worlds most passionate lover according to leading search engines. I love how manipulative marketing can be and how online marketers can really use this to their advantage.
I’m going to paste a few phrases below just out of interest to see if I can get ranked number one for them. Feel free to check them in google in a few weeks time to see how I’m doing. You’ll have to enter the phrase exactly otherwise it’s unlikely I’ll be number 1.
Worlds most intelligent man
Worlds most interesting website
Worlds most impressive man-boobs
Worlds most productive employee
Worlds most enterprising man alive
Thailands most interesting farang
Worlds most passionate lover
World’s most intelligent man
World’s most interesting website
World’s most impressive man-boobs
World’s most productive employee
World’s most enterprising man alive
Thailand’s most interesting farang
World’s most passionate lover
It might be fun to be able to include a few of these phrases into my CV 
I successfully got my worlds most passionate lover ranking at number one before. I spent a little bit longer repeating that phrase in the old webpage but because it’s such a niche I have a feeling I can get to number one again.
Two Days in Laos April 15, 2005
Posted by Martin in : travel , add a commentIt’s been three months since I was in Hong Kong so I had to leave Thailand to renew my visa.
Usually I do a daytrip to Poipet in Cambodia which is a horrible place, but, being in the North of Thailand, Tik and I took the opportunity to spend a day and a half in Vientiane, the capital city of Laos.
I was actually quite nervous about travelling there. I’d heard that, just like Cambodia, there are no ATM machines in the country so I had to carry cash with me. The Cambodian border is disgusting; full of pickpockets, touts, child prostitutes, dead babies, amputees and some of the most deformed people alive. I was expecting similar in Laos and was delighted by how wrong I was.
The border crossing itself was uneventful, but safe. The visa booths actually has reassuring signs on them stating ‘No Corruption’ although it didn’t specify if this referred to the staff or the immigrants. We took a songtaew from the border into central Vientiane which took about 30 minutes and cost us only 50 baht each (about 80p).
According to Tik, the Laoatians are similar in appearance and attitude to the countryfolk in the North East of Thailand. They are friendly, family-oriented and lead simple, non-ambitious lives. They too celebrated the new year and we got wet in the back of the songtaew.
I’m not sure if it was a Laoatian idea but we noticed many men wearing bras over their t-shirts, and wearing darker clothes – unlike Thailand where bright clothes are the norm. Laotians also use water bombs which are apparently banned in Thailand.
Shortly before 4pm Tik and I arrived at the Inter Hotel. The hotel came highly recommended by my friend Mylo but from the outside it looks pretty shabby. How wrong our first impressions were…
We checked into the best room of the hotel. It was incredible. The room (and the hotel) was decorated with tasteful Asian artworks, there was enough room to install a bowling lane if we’d have wanted to. We had a corner room with views overlooking the Mehkong river and down the street which hosted the new year celebrations. It was the nicest hotel room I’ve ever stayed in. We got the room, breakfast and 4pm late checkout for 1800 baht (less than 30 quid).
The hotel restaurant was fantastic. A meal of fresh homemade soup, salad, sizzling New Zealand beef, vegetables, ice-cream and Lao coffee came to $12 US. At 4pm Tik and I were hungry and should really have just ordered a snack but the tempation to make the most of the cheap food was too much. We ate far too much, ended up in bed trying to sleep off our bloatedness at about 7pm and got a cool 11 hours of sleep.
Songkran De-Grinched April 14, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Thailand , add a commentI nearly got as far as spending April in India to escape the hottest time of year here. Yesterday got to 41 degrees C (104 degrees F) and I didn’t step out of the hotel all day.
Today we celebrated Thai New Year Songkran whereby every Thai person spends a few days having water fights and painting revellers with cooling powder. In Bangkok it gets a bit annoying, I blame the farangs who don’t know when to moderate their behaviour and generally I try to stay away from the tourist spots there. This year Thailand experienced about 9,000 traffic-related accidents – generally caused from speeding, drink-driving and having water thrown all over motorcycle drivers.
This year in Khon Kaen I had a great time. Tik collected me in the morning and took me to her relatives. I smiled and nodded and the younger family members poured scented water over the hands of the the eldest family member to offer blessings. I met a number of Tiks cousins, aunts and uncles.
As you’ll note from the photo above, Songkgran is a time of loud silly clothes. Tik’s mum gave me a traditional flower necklace as well to presumably make me look like a native. On leaving the family; Tik, myself, Tik’s sister Toon and their younger cousin Ying all drove our car towards “Thannon Khao Neo” – the main party street in Khon Kaen.
We bought a bucket each and Tik bought some cooling powder and we had a lot of fun. People in Khon Kaen seem to play by the rules. People who obviously looked liked they didn’t want to get wet were left alone. The roads were lined with water ‘stations’ – usually hose pipes filling barrels of water so that anybody can fill their buckets or water guns and the streets were full of party-goers, huge speaker systems blaring dance music, stages for dancers, street vendors selling cooling powder, drinks and snacks.
It was assuring to see that very few Thais were drinking beer. Apparently this year the governent have been trying to discourage alcohol use and it was noticable in how much more fun the event was. Alcohol wasn’t available for sale on the main roads and Pepsi were the main sponsors and vendors. In Bangkok I was often so embarrassed to see farangs deliberately targetting businessmen with buckets of iced water, throwing beer around, and groping girls. Songkran in Khon Kaen was very much a family event. I highly commend the Thai’s (and the tourists alike) on conducting themselves so well here. I could not imagine such a trouble-free fun and friendly event anywhere else in the world.
I did find it amusing that every year the Thai government take action to prevent women wearing spaghetti-strap tops for Songkran. Songran itself is probably Thailand’s most famous festival and the government are keen not to have the world’s media zooming their cameras on scantilly dressed Thai girls (which is obviously a shame). It seems they’ve given up this year trying to ban spaghetti-straps although bans were made last year. Instead this wonderful piece of propaganda was published in Thailand’s government-friendly newspaper.
Spaghetti strap girls warned of disease risk
I was impressed to be able to participate in a street foam-party. A plastic barrier was constructed, about 10 metres squared and it was filled with foam reaching to head height. Befitting the entire event, it went smoothly, safely and was a very fun experience.
We left the partying exhausted and went back to our hotel. I enjoyed a game of Rummikub with Tik, Toon and Ying as it is a perfect game to play without any problems of language barriers.
My only regret this year was not having the chance to take photos. I decided that rather than stress over getting my camera damaged I’d spend my time enjoying myself and relaxing instead. I’ll search on the internet later to see if I can get hold of some photos of Songran 2005 in Khon Kaen.
Working in Khon Kaen April 12, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Thailand , add a commentI am just about living my dream this week. Tik checked me into a rather nice hotel yesterday evening and I am writing this sprawled across a nice double-bed with the air conditioning on and Discovery channel in the background on the TV. I am a little bloated from my American breakfast buffet downstairs but refreshed by the hot bubbly bath I have come out of.
This is the lifestyle I have been working towards. I am spending this week in the Charoen Thani Princess Hotel in Khon Kaen. I have my cellphone, my laptop and a few books.
It’s about 7:30 a.m. and I’ve been up over 90 minutes. I’m ready to get a full morning of work underway. Tik is working today and tomorrow but she’ll have time to be with me after 2 p.m.
I’ve not yet said hello to Tik’s family but I’m excited to practice my Thai a bit more. One reason for coming out here for 9 days was to consolidate my Thai, but being in a quality hotel and having Tik take care of me has made me lazy already. I can’t see myself losng weight this week, despite having a fitlness centre and swimming pool to kep me entertained.
Things NOT to say to the partner of your dreams April 8, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Creative / Humour , add a commentI’m certainly no Cassanova, despite what you might have read or dreamt about but I can utter my share of love-phrases when I’m hungry, horny or just plain in the wrong. I know I’ve made a few pre- and post-coital indiplomacies in my time but I have been dribbling milk out my nose about what I heard today.
I won’t mention Anne’s name but I’d very much like to dedicate this writing to her and – credit where it’s due – she deseves some recognition for her compliment to the new man in her life …
“”You look ugly outside, but when you talk.. you are an incredible attractive guy.”
I can only think about how this poor guy has gone back to his apartment alone with a phrase like that tearing apart his brain in confusion and self-doubt.
It’s fortunately reminded me of a few similar incidences when I was not yet attending my charm-school-beginner classes.
I remember after my first passionate kiss and (an equally passionate cocktail of alcohol) uttering “Wow, you’ve got a really fat tongue”. I remember complimenting a girl on her nocturnal skills by asking her where she learnt how to do it like that. I also remember Barry reminiscing to me about complimenting a girl that with skills like hers she could go professional.
It’s a shame that all my great witty and first-hand phrases I was going to enter in this blog have been invented already. To save myself a lot of trouble you might want to take a peek at Air Disaster which has a pretty comprehensive list of things not to say in bed.
My emerging man-boobs April 7, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Thailand , add a commentI found a fat man in my mirror today. I realize now that I have not been to the gym since about October last year! The reason is that if I don’t exercise I get lethargic and I therefore sleep long enough not to have the time to feel guilty about not doing any exercise. When I do exercise I feel great, full of energy and motivated to work yet because I’ve spent so long at the the gym I don’t have the time to actually do the work. Life is never fair.
I also can’t escape the restaurant trap. When Tik is with me it’s great to go to a nice romantic restaurant, pay a few baht, listen to some good music, enjoy a beautiful view of the lake, forget about dirty dishes. Restaurants are a great alternative to foreplay. When I’m alone it hardly seems neccessary to seek a foreplay alternative, or to bother cooking for myself so I’m making the most of three delivery services exclusive to my village. I have a cafe 20 metres down the road which has always sold out of the Pad Thai, regardless of the time of day I request it so I live there on a staple diet of seafood-fried-rice. I have a pink restaurant – affectionately known by the farangs here as ‘the pink restaurant’ with an expensive but varied choice of western foods, and we also have a gourmet pizza delivery offered by my favourite French restaurant.
The odds of me revisiting that slender, supple physique of last October are surely stacked against me. We are now experiencing the hottest month of the year and I am sitting in my main room with 5 fans and my air conditioning on. I can compare the daily humidity by the number of time I change T-shirts or the number of rubber items in my house which melt beyond use. I must invest in a more durable plastic doll in the future I guess.
Nonetheless on Sunday I’ll be living it up in a few hotels in the north of Thailand. I’ve allocated 10 days to; consolidate my Thai, begin a drawing course, get my websites organized and get through my Douglas Adams books. I’ll work a few hours in the morning whilst Tik is also busy and I’ll be free to spend the rest of my days and evenings with her. This should be my great opportunity to get back into shape at the hotel’s air-conditioned gym.
Don’t Take Your Guide Dog to an Orgy April 5, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Creative / Humour , add a commentIt’s not how long their tongue may be or how you like their tail,
A guide dog is not yours for sex, or you might go to jail.
I know it’s rather tempting; you dog was trained to please,
But in the morning he’ll be sore and you’ll have all his fleas.
Don’t take him to an orgy, you won’t be welcomed back,
He’ll pee upon the bedding and put his nose in all the cracks,
Your dog’s trained to protect you, he’ll think you’re in a fight,
You’ll not be very popular should he decide to bite.
So teach him to give blow jobs, when you need to boost your life,
It’s clean, its fast, it’s a lot more fun and he’ll never tell your wife.
My Chocolate Covered Cat April 5, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Creative / Humour , add a commentIs there anything as funny as a chocolate covered cat?
He’s trying hard to lick himself and its making him get fat.
If you put him in the freezer, the chocolate will soon set,
You’ll have a great new work of art, but you’ll need another pet.
