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I’ve scanned the internet for years, convinced that in America there must be some people who dress up in superhero costumes and try to solve crime.

It turns out I was right as this newspaper article details.

2.9 million baht is a pretty high price for what she’s selling so perhaps the extra service might be a deal-breaker.

I doubt it’ll be snapped up by any newlyweds though.

This doesn’t inspire me with confidence.

You’re a single 30-year old western male in Bangkok. You live alone, you’ve recently upgraded your apartment to something much nicer than before.

Why Barry is there a pink stuffed doll in your bed?

Best wishes,

Martin

This very humorous website detailing all the hideous foods Steve (the blogger) is about to eat.

Click here to view it.

Not only that but the writer has many more articles which I’m really excited to tell you about ..

Visit the main website here to see similar articles this great man has written.

The author has already taken a lot of initiatives in serializing his book as a free podcast, which can be downloaded and listened to for free. Whether Paul Storey makes it to the big time or not I don’t doubt for a minute that he is a creative seed about to bloom. I’ve put down my $100 deposit already, not so much as an investment but as a way of rewarding such creativity and initiative.

Click Here to Visit the Website

ME – Hello
SALES GIRL – Hello
ME – Do you have any beautiful sausages?
SALES GIRL – (blank look) What???, Why?
ME – I want to buy a present for my girlfriend. It’s her birthday this weekend.
SALES GIRL – (blank look, panic, confusion)

NOW I know the difference between a sausage (cyclor) and a necklace (soyclor). I won’t be making that mistake again.

For somebody who does not really enjoy watching TV this was quite unprecedented and we used every second of free time to get another episode or two in. It’s refreshing to look forward to watching something which doesn’t necessitate 3 hours of my time at once.

My only regret is that now we’ve watched it we have probably 6 months to get to see series 2. I’ve begun downloading episodes 1-4 via BitTorrent so, if all goes as slowly as it tends to, I’ll get to view them in about 2 more weeks.

I am not ashamed to admit that the notion of heaven scares me. Would I be obliged to pray every day should I go there? Would I be forced to keep company with priests, monks and nuns? What happens if I’ve been widowed and remarried? How would I share my time with my first and my second wife? Would it be ok to sleep in between them both? Would I be able to replace my inflatable dolls? Would I end up with too much free time because my internet worked properly and Windows never crashed?

No thank you! You’d be dragging me kicking and screaming at the pearly gates, I’d cause such an upset, I’d stamp on St. Peter’s foot, rub myself up against him, whatever it takes, but there is not a chance I’d enjoy that kind of deathstyle.

I am just a few rungs away on my ladder to hell, and climbing closer each day. Today I am once again enlightened. What occurred to me today has given my life a new clarity and a new perspective on where my talents best lie and I have found a sure-fire success formula not only to get me to hell, but to get me there in style.

Not only that but when I get there, I’ll have so much cash that I’ll be able to get the hottest property in the area. I’m pretty sure hell will have a lot of estate agents hovering around and already I’ve got plans for the type of a detached labyrinth I’d most appreciate – with a rear view of eternal flames and a pretty garden at the front with a barbecue which I can cook non-kosher produce on.

I left my gemology class yesterday a little anxious. We’d spent the class discussing just how difficult it is to know whether you have bought a quality gemstone at a fair price. I’d always assumed that a person with a keen eye and a 10x magnification lens could accurately classify a gemstone and its approximate value. I understand now that this is not possible. Certainly market stalls selling cheap disposable jewelry serve a purpose but finding a bargain without having to get a gemstone independently verified in a lab is highly improbable.

Today however I realized that I can benefit from my current and future gemstone training in a completely different way. I can become the black sheep of the gemological academics, forge my own path, and run in the complete opposite way to the generic students who work their course as they are expected to.

My training so far is supposedly meant to help me to invest in good quality, fairly priced stones, however this is no easy feat. Every gemologist makes mistakes, and these mistakes can be very very expensive! It takes years to achieve a level of competence whereby a gemologist hands over his cash to buy something without immediately taking a sedative. There is always the paranoia that perhaps that diamond you bought is merely cubic zirconia – or that the ruby you considered natural is instead created in a Thailand laboratory in just 3 hours.

That does not sound like fun. Instead, I see a wonderful opportunity here whereby a hell-destined gemologist could instead spend his time investing in the cheaper stones. Learning to specialize in buying cubic zirconia may well mean that one day you stuff up and find yourself with a real diamond by accident

I’m sure I could do that. A lifestyle of constant mistakes would make me a millionaire in no time. That’s the kind of career I’ve been searching my life for.

But this is only the start. By adding the magic drop of creative marketing into my “recipe for success” I can move even further on….

I love marketing; I have found no other industry more manipulative. Put a good marketer in a room with a good lawyer and the marketer will exit feeling pissed off whereas the lawyer will exit with a smile on his face but with a knife in his back. Aikido may well be the martial art of passive defense but, mark my word, marketing is the art of passive attack.

I remember when we bought our dog ‘Bonnie’. The salesman took great pride in telling us that Bonnie was from “working stock”. He said it with a smile on his face which we assumed at the time was encouraging. Two hours later we discovered that that friendly smile was a well-executed marketing attack. It was a diversion, a distraction, a facial bluff… and it worked at treat. Middle-class families have no reason, no reason at all to want a dog from working stock! You want a dog from lazy-good-for-nothing-unemployed-in-the-dole-queue-stock so that it doesn’t tear around the house for the first 4 years of it’s life demanding constant mental stimulation. That lesson stays with me and has no doubt shaped my marketing persona.

Let’s reel out my linguistic rod and catch me a sucker fish…

Everything above is legal. I’ve stuffed a few diversions in there to draw people’s attention away from what I don’t want them to pick up on but I’ve legally lied through my teeth.

Let me explain …

There’s also the manipulative elements of adding a photo too. Photos don’t need to be to scale. A side on profile of the ring might be relatively small, and a birds-eye view of the stone could be scaled subtly larger, as long as I mention “not to scale” I’d not be lying.

I’d set the stone in a bezel setting which hides all but the top dimension of the stone, which would be deliberately flat to imply a hidden depth, but in fact would be flat.

The price is deliberately high to imply quality, but low enough for an independent analysis to be too expensive…

Ok, the example above’s pretty extreme. I’d expect most people who have bought at least one semi-expensive stone in their life might be aware that inclusions are not good, but marketed correctly they might not have the confidence to take that fact into account.

The fact is that there is one market which I do have experience with. This market brings together hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world. These people are very likely to be completely uninformed as to what to look for when buying gemstones, they will not have the luxury of seeing a product up front and they will most likely not recognize that they’ve invested badly for a long time, if ever.

I’m talking about Ebay.com – Never buy any expensive jewelry from there, especially not if you see my name as the seller

For those of who you don’t know me, sure I’m an opportunist, I believe its better to be a shitter than a shitted-on but you won’t see me taking my marketing skills to this extreme right now. Hope to see you in hell. Bring your sun-tan cream.

- Thanks go to Joseph for this great cartoon.

I’ve been following the life of Marn, an elderly overweight lady with the most wonderful love of life and energy that I’m sure you’ll appreciate her writings too.

Time is an asset when there’s things still to do,
But at three in the morning it’s of no help to you.
Time is still waiting; I know that it’s there,
But it refuses to move, it refuses to care.

I’m too tired to eat properly; I’ve got lazy to drink,
I just threw my old lenses, by mistake, down the sink.
My brain won’t stop working, and it’s making me stressed,
I don’t want to write poems, I just want to get rest.

“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

“What about all these matzo (flat bread eaten at Passover) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on,” what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

Courtesy of Dad – Thanks

I won’t mention Anne’s name but I’d very much like to dedicate this writing to her and – credit where it’s due – she deseves some recognition for her compliment to the new man in her life …

“”You look ugly outside, but when you talk.. you are an incredible attractive guy.”

I can only think about how this poor guy has gone back to his apartment alone with a phrase like that tearing apart his brain in confusion and self-doubt.

It’s fortunately reminded me of a few similar incidences when I was not yet attending my charm-school-beginner classes.

I remember after my first passionate kiss and (an equally passionate cocktail of alcohol) uttering “Wow, you’ve got a really fat tongue”. I remember complimenting a girl on her nocturnal skills by asking her where she learnt how to do it like that. I also remember Barry reminiscing to me about complimenting a girl that with skills like hers she could go professional.

It’s a shame that all my great witty and first-hand phrases I was going to enter in this blog have been invented already. To save myself a lot of trouble you might want to take a peek at Air Disaster which has a pretty comprehensive list of things not to say in bed.

Don’t take him to an orgy, you won’t be welcomed back,
He’ll pee upon the bedding and put his nose in all the cracks,
Your dog’s trained to protect you, he’ll think you’re in a fight,
You’ll not be very popular should he decide to bite.

So teach him to give blow jobs, when you need to boost your life,
It’s clean, its fast, it’s a lot more fun and he’ll never tell your wife.