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How to Buy a Mansion in Hell October 19, 2005

Posted by Martin in : Creative / Humour, Education , trackback

Gemology + Marketing = Fast Track to Hell

I am not ashamed to admit that the notion of heaven scares me. Would I be obliged to pray every day should I go there? Would I be forced to keep company with priests, monks and nuns? What happens if I’ve been widowed and remarried? How would I share my time with my first and my second wife? Would it be ok to sleep in between them both? Would I be able to replace my inflatable dolls? Would I end up with too much free time because my internet worked properly and Windows never crashed?

No thank you! You’d be dragging me kicking and screaming at the pearly gates, I’d cause such an upset, I’d stamp on St. Peter’s foot, rub myself up against him, whatever it takes, but there is not a chance I’d enjoy that kind of deathstyle.

I am just a few rungs away on my ladder to hell, and climbing closer each day. Today I am once again enlightened. What occurred to me today has given my life a new clarity and a new perspective on where my talents best lie and I have found a sure-fire success formula not only to get me to hell, but to get me there in style.

Gemology + Marketing = Fast Track to Hell

Not only that but when I get there, I’ll have so much cash that I’ll be able to get the hottest property in the area. I’m pretty sure hell will have a lot of estate agents hovering around and already I’ve got plans for the type of a detached labyrinth I’d most appreciate – with a rear view of eternal flames and a pretty garden at the front with a barbecue which I can cook non-kosher produce on.

I left my gemology class yesterday a little anxious. We’d spent the class discussing just how difficult it is to know whether you have bought a quality gemstone at a fair price. I’d always assumed that a person with a keen eye and a 10x magnification lens could accurately classify a gemstone and its approximate value. I understand now that this is not possible. Certainly market stalls selling cheap disposable jewelry serve a purpose but finding a bargain without having to get a gemstone independently verified in a lab is highly improbable.

Today however I realized that I can benefit from my current and future gemstone training in a completely different way. I can become the black sheep of the gemological academics, forge my own path, and run in the complete opposite way to the generic students who work their course as they are expected to.

My training so far is supposedly meant to help me to invest in good quality, fairly priced stones, however this is no easy feat. Every gemologist makes mistakes, and these mistakes can be very very expensive! It takes years to achieve a level of competence whereby a gemologist hands over his cash to buy something without immediately taking a sedative. There is always the paranoia that perhaps that diamond you bought is merely cubic zirconia – or that the ruby you considered natural is instead created in a Thailand laboratory in just 3 hours.

That does not sound like fun. Instead, I see a wonderful opportunity here whereby a hell-destined gemologist could instead spend his time investing in the cheaper stones. Learning to specialize in buying cubic zirconia may well mean that one day you stuff up and find yourself with a real diamond by accident :)

I’m sure I could do that. A lifestyle of constant mistakes would make me a millionaire in no time. That’s the kind of career I’ve been searching my life for.

But this is only the start. By adding the magic drop of creative marketing into my “recipe for success” I can move even further on….

I love marketing; I have found no other industry more manipulative. Put a good marketer in a room with a good lawyer and the marketer will exit feeling pissed off whereas the lawyer will exit with a smile on his face but with a knife in his back. Aikido may well be the martial art of passive defense but, mark my word, marketing is the art of passive attack.

I remember when we bought our dog ‘Bonnie’. The salesman took great pride in telling us that Bonnie was from “working stock”. He said it with a smile on his face which we assumed at the time was encouraging. Two hours later we discovered that that friendly smile was a well-executed marketing attack. It was a diversion, a distraction, a facial bluff… and it worked at treat. Middle-class families have no reason, no reason at all to want a dog from working stock! You want a dog from lazy-good-for-nothing-unemployed-in-the-dole-queue-stock so that it doesn’t tear around the house for the first 4 years of it’s life demanding constant mental stimulation. That lesson stays with me and has no doubt shaped my marketing persona.

Let’s reel out my linguistic rod and catch me a sucker fish…

Genuine American Ruby.
2 carat total weight, mounted into a sterling silver ring to accentuate the stone’s natural beauty.
We pride ourselves in that we do not charge extra for the stones inclusions nor brilliance.
We have an established reputation and all our products can be verified by an accredited gemologist.
Auction price begins $300

Everything above is legal. I’ve stuffed a few diversions in there to draw people’s attention away from what I don’t want them to pick up on but I’ve legally lied through my teeth.

Let me explain …

  • Something sold as genuine does NOT mean it’s natural. A genuine gemstone is one that has been created in a lab. Unlike a ‘natural’ ruby which might have taken thousands of years to form, a ‘genuine’ ruby may well have been created in a 3 hour flash-fusion process in a Bangkok factory.
  • An American Ruby is not even a ruby. It is in fact a garnet.
  • 3 carat total weight includes the weight of the ring. If the ring weighed nearly 0.5 grams then the stone itself would be tiny.
  • I’ve hinted that often a person would pay extra for an inclusion in a gemstone. This implied that an inclusion is a good thing. The fact is that inclusions are internal scratches and these often reduce a stones value. This is similar to the ‘from working stock’ example before.
  • I certainly didn’t validate that our established reputation was a good one. It’s merely implied.
  • Sure you can get the stones verified by an accredited gemologist. You could take a fecal sample to a gemologist and get it tested if you want to. All that the gemologist would say is that the gemstone was indeed a genuine American ruby and a pretty shit one at that.

    • There’s also the manipulative elements of adding a photo too. Photos don’t need to be to scale. A side on profile of the ring might be relatively small, and a birds-eye view of the stone could be scaled subtly larger, as long as I mention “not to scale” I’d not be lying.

    I’d set the stone in a bezel setting which hides all but the top dimension of the stone, which would be deliberately flat to imply a hidden depth, but in fact would be flat.

    The price is deliberately high to imply quality, but low enough for an independent analysis to be too expensive…

    Ok, the example above’s pretty extreme. I’d expect most people who have bought at least one semi-expensive stone in their life might be aware that inclusions are not good, but marketed correctly they might not have the confidence to take that fact into account.

    The fact is that there is one market which I do have experience with. This market brings together hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world. These people are very likely to be completely uninformed as to what to look for when buying gemstones, they will not have the luxury of seeing a product up front and they will most likely not recognize that they’ve invested badly for a long time, if ever.

    I’m talking about Ebay.com – Never buy any expensive jewelry from there, especially not if you see my name as the seller :)

    For those of who you don’t know me, sure I’m an opportunist, I believe its better to be a shitter than a shitted-on but you won’t see me taking my marketing skills to this extreme right now. Hope to see you in hell. Bring your sun-tan cream.

    Comments»

    1. Aaron Wormus - October 24, 2005

    Great stuff… you should publish this someplace!

    2. A Day in Paradise » Archive » How to Buy a Mansion in Hell - October 24, 2005

    [...] Feature Story How to Buy a Mansion in Hell Welcome to Martin Pavions Homepage ? Blog Archive ? How to Buy a Mansion in Hell Martin proves that the r [...]

    3. jim - November 6, 2005

    …sounds like u’r headed the opposite way anyhoo…

    …and we all know the devil has the best tunes… ;-)

    4. prudents - September 30, 2006

    My name is Ribuala, I am 15yrs.I am doing a general finding out on blogs related to your theme.I have found yours most interesting. I would always like to give my opinion on matters I found on your blog. Is that ok? I like your blog.

    5. Jonathon Maller - December 21, 2006

    I refuse to learn more as my brain is just melting. I am looking forward to the holidays ending this year. Seems outr industry has slowed a lot this year.